So I meantioned that I've gotten back into reading... thank you to those of you ladies in my life who are obsessed with reading and helped me remember that I used to be the 12 year old kid who walked to the library daily to get a new book and would stay up until 3am reading every night!
I've read since Jacksonville:
Once Upon a Day- Lisa Tucker
I was told There'd be Cake- Sloane Crosley
The Package Deal. My (not-so) Glamorous Transition from Single Gal to Instant Mom - Izzy Rose
On the to-read list:
The Last Lecture- Randy Pausch
A Little Bit Ruined- Patty Friedmann
Dear John- Nicholas Sparks
Every Man a King - Huey P. Long autobiography
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Monday, May 11, 2009
Decisions affect other people, more than you realize
I've been dreading this post for too long and finding more important things to do with every passing day. Not because I don't want to talk about whats happening in my life right now, but because I don't want to accept the emotional backlash that comes along with it. Yes, its true, I am an emotional person... at times. I can sense that this is going to be a long post, but please bare with me.
So the last time I updated you people... I had packed up my things and decided that I needed a break from my stepparent role that I willingly jumped in head first on. Needless to say, it was a bad idea. I should've given myself space but alas, the newly discovered maternal instinct inside of me kicked in when I realized that the girls needed me. They didn't need ME. They needed their 'mother', and I can't be that to them. I can be the woman that plays Monopoly with them. The woman that braids their hair while discussing how stupid boys can be in the 4th grade. The woman that encourages them to do their best on the biggest test of their life thus far and tell them that no matter how poorly they do, Daddy will still love and adore them. The woman that paints their nails the darkest red she has in stock, because black nailpolish just isn't ladylike. The woman who willingly gives away old purses to them and all of their dear friends to make space for 'newer' old purses. I could go on... But the fact is, I, nor any other woman can fill the void that their mother has left behind.
When I got out of Daniel's car that Friday morning, April 2 to be exact, I had already made up my mind that I needed a break... and a lengthy one at that. He just gave me this sad, bordering tear-filled, face and I hurried along my way to make it to work on time. I knew it was killing him, but I knew what I needed to do! GET AWAY... before I lost it. I took about a two week break from the chaos and decided that Easter might be a good time to show face again. A-Train warned me that I shouldn't spend such an important holiday at the mad house, but I didn't listen. I didn't want to be stuck at home eating a formerly frozen meal. So I agreed to spend the holiday with Daniel & the girls, which involved mandatory church attendance, playing easter bunny & a potential run-in with their mother. I'll be damned if I had to go to church without a new outfit. So on Easter-Eve, after working a long day on taxes, I headed to the mall with an hour to shop. For some reasons, dads don't understand the necessity of a new dress for such occasions. I indulged myself in shopping for a new Easter dress for the girls. Now, if his kids were normal, pink & frilly would have sufficed. However, thats not the case. I carefully chose a black & white dress for the oldest one (who hates pink) and a flashy pink frilly dress for the younger one. When I walked in the door, they were ecstatic to see me with dresses in hand. All hell broke loose the next morning. The girls didn't want to wear the dress, or any dress for that matter. Daniels grandmother, being the traditional southern woman that is, would not allow for any such thing as going to church on easter sunday in anything BUT a frilly dress. The girls actually look forward to going to church and the thought of them missing the Easter egg hunt was emotionally destroying them to say the least. One thing that I have the one-up on Daniel on is, surprisingly, patience. But with my feelings being hurt over their disinterest in my carefully selected dresses was enough to make me loose my patience. We waited and let them throw their tantrums, until they reluctantly put the dresses. With mini-purses in hand, they knocked on the door and let us know they were ready. My thoughts were, "Oh are you now?". Instead of mumbling brats, I kept my cool. I'll skip to lunch now... and thats where my day got worse. The oldest one was not looking forward to seeing her mom and it showed. She had the most hateful attitude and didn't eat one bit of her lunch. We met their mother at the movies and I convinced Daniel to let them see a movie by themselves so we could duck out and see our own movie. After a day full of hurt feelings (both mine and their mothers), I had to go to the office and finish some work. On my way to work, I got a ticket. UGHHHHH.....
With D-day 3 days away, I instructed Daniel to forbid his kids to call me with shannigans until after April 15. They call ME, of all people, for the most ridiculous things. Of course, I realize that while they may seem ridiculous to adults, the fact that they just found a duck egg outside is a pressing matter! LOL I worked 3 days straight of working from 8am to midnight. In a sick way, I missed the rush of being productive and getting shit done. I was a tax preparing rockstar for christs sake. Daniel, being the sweet man that he is, offered to bring me dinner and cigarettes every night. It's hard to explain that you have to work late, and I mean really late, to someone whose job is over when his shift is up. Sure, I could've left at 7pm like a normal person. But I had the opportunity to shine and I grabbed it, HEAD ON. If there's one thing I've learned working a big girl job... Don't be afraid to work late, it'll pay off. Luckily, during tax season, I can book all the overtime my heart desires, but there have been times, more frequent than I would like to admit, that I work late and do work at home and never book a minute over 40 hours. It's what I do. I work hard because I know thats what makes me an indespensible employee. I ditched work Thursday morning and had lunch with Heather & Jose. It felt great to be able to enjoy the morning with my dear friend.
My vacation to Jacksonville was much needed!!! I'm not the kind of person to walk into a book store and just pull a book off the shelf and be able to judge if it'll be worth my time. I would much rather read a book that someone else has read. I figured that I would have a lot of time to kill and what better way to spend the weekend than indulging in my very neglected pastime of reading. I headed to B&N and picked up Once Upon a Day by Lisa Tucker. I read it, cover to cover, by Sunday night. Team W has the most perfect family, to the point of vomiting. Thats my jealousy coming out. We went fishing on the beach and I actually caught one! We ate the fish for dinner, along with the biggest shrimp I've ever seen! I even tried bagels & lox that weekend. Um, not my thing, but I tried. He warned me that his dogs were bigger than me. I thought to myself, 'that is not possible'. HA! See for yourself!
So the last time I updated you people... I had packed up my things and decided that I needed a break from my stepparent role that I willingly jumped in head first on. Needless to say, it was a bad idea. I should've given myself space but alas, the newly discovered maternal instinct inside of me kicked in when I realized that the girls needed me. They didn't need ME. They needed their 'mother', and I can't be that to them. I can be the woman that plays Monopoly with them. The woman that braids their hair while discussing how stupid boys can be in the 4th grade. The woman that encourages them to do their best on the biggest test of their life thus far and tell them that no matter how poorly they do, Daddy will still love and adore them. The woman that paints their nails the darkest red she has in stock, because black nailpolish just isn't ladylike. The woman who willingly gives away old purses to them and all of their dear friends to make space for 'newer' old purses. I could go on... But the fact is, I, nor any other woman can fill the void that their mother has left behind.
When I got out of Daniel's car that Friday morning, April 2 to be exact, I had already made up my mind that I needed a break... and a lengthy one at that. He just gave me this sad, bordering tear-filled, face and I hurried along my way to make it to work on time. I knew it was killing him, but I knew what I needed to do! GET AWAY... before I lost it. I took about a two week break from the chaos and decided that Easter might be a good time to show face again. A-Train warned me that I shouldn't spend such an important holiday at the mad house, but I didn't listen. I didn't want to be stuck at home eating a formerly frozen meal. So I agreed to spend the holiday with Daniel & the girls, which involved mandatory church attendance, playing easter bunny & a potential run-in with their mother. I'll be damned if I had to go to church without a new outfit. So on Easter-Eve, after working a long day on taxes, I headed to the mall with an hour to shop. For some reasons, dads don't understand the necessity of a new dress for such occasions. I indulged myself in shopping for a new Easter dress for the girls. Now, if his kids were normal, pink & frilly would have sufficed. However, thats not the case. I carefully chose a black & white dress for the oldest one (who hates pink) and a flashy pink frilly dress for the younger one. When I walked in the door, they were ecstatic to see me with dresses in hand. All hell broke loose the next morning. The girls didn't want to wear the dress, or any dress for that matter. Daniels grandmother, being the traditional southern woman that is, would not allow for any such thing as going to church on easter sunday in anything BUT a frilly dress. The girls actually look forward to going to church and the thought of them missing the Easter egg hunt was emotionally destroying them to say the least. One thing that I have the one-up on Daniel on is, surprisingly, patience. But with my feelings being hurt over their disinterest in my carefully selected dresses was enough to make me loose my patience. We waited and let them throw their tantrums, until they reluctantly put the dresses. With mini-purses in hand, they knocked on the door and let us know they were ready. My thoughts were, "Oh are you now?". Instead of mumbling brats, I kept my cool. I'll skip to lunch now... and thats where my day got worse. The oldest one was not looking forward to seeing her mom and it showed. She had the most hateful attitude and didn't eat one bit of her lunch. We met their mother at the movies and I convinced Daniel to let them see a movie by themselves so we could duck out and see our own movie. After a day full of hurt feelings (both mine and their mothers), I had to go to the office and finish some work. On my way to work, I got a ticket. UGHHHHH.....
With D-day 3 days away, I instructed Daniel to forbid his kids to call me with shannigans until after April 15. They call ME, of all people, for the most ridiculous things. Of course, I realize that while they may seem ridiculous to adults, the fact that they just found a duck egg outside is a pressing matter! LOL I worked 3 days straight of working from 8am to midnight. In a sick way, I missed the rush of being productive and getting shit done. I was a tax preparing rockstar for christs sake. Daniel, being the sweet man that he is, offered to bring me dinner and cigarettes every night. It's hard to explain that you have to work late, and I mean really late, to someone whose job is over when his shift is up. Sure, I could've left at 7pm like a normal person. But I had the opportunity to shine and I grabbed it, HEAD ON. If there's one thing I've learned working a big girl job... Don't be afraid to work late, it'll pay off. Luckily, during tax season, I can book all the overtime my heart desires, but there have been times, more frequent than I would like to admit, that I work late and do work at home and never book a minute over 40 hours. It's what I do. I work hard because I know thats what makes me an indespensible employee. I ditched work Thursday morning and had lunch with Heather & Jose. It felt great to be able to enjoy the morning with my dear friend.
My vacation to Jacksonville was much needed!!! I'm not the kind of person to walk into a book store and just pull a book off the shelf and be able to judge if it'll be worth my time. I would much rather read a book that someone else has read. I figured that I would have a lot of time to kill and what better way to spend the weekend than indulging in my very neglected pastime of reading. I headed to B&N and picked up Once Upon a Day by Lisa Tucker. I read it, cover to cover, by Sunday night. Team W has the most perfect family, to the point of vomiting. Thats my jealousy coming out. We went fishing on the beach and I actually caught one! We ate the fish for dinner, along with the biggest shrimp I've ever seen! I even tried bagels & lox that weekend. Um, not my thing, but I tried. He warned me that his dogs were bigger than me. I thought to myself, 'that is not possible'. HA! See for yourself!
The drive back to new orleans on Sunday was a long one, but full of entertainment (complete with the blaring tunes of KISS, Queen, etc.). I had the weekend to think and I made my decision to break things off with Daniel. He was expecting to see me the night I got back, but I wasn't ready for that. I opted for drinks at the Bulldog with Heather before she left town. It was bittersweet. I was anxious for the change that I was about to make. I knew that ditching him for drinks would give him a heads up.
All day Monday, my stomach was in knots. What had I gotten myself into? I fell for him and his baggage. I didn't just fall for him, but I fell hard. That evening I got a phone call that confirmed that I was doing the right thing for myself. Was I prepard to deal with such chaos? Could I handle the constant mood changes & suicidal thoughts of such a young child? Hell NO! I'm only 23 years old and I have my own child to deal with. My father and his sickness is more mood swings and suicide talk than I can handle. Daniel came over & I told him that we needed to talk & he instantly knew what was about to happen. I had the intention of making a clean break, but thats so much easier said than done. Its the way I handled breaking up with Aaron and it hurt less that way. But with Daniel, it made it harder because it wasn't him that I was overwhelmed with, but his baggage.
The next week was hard. So much of me wanted to reach out to the girls and tell them that it wasn't all their fault, but deep down I knew it had a lot to do with them. By Friday night, I was getting phone calls from his ex. WTF is right. She wanted to know what happened. On her end, she was ecstatic that Daniel was moving on with a decent girl such as myself that was a good influence on her kids. I guess those are the things you look forward to when you decide to be a peice of shit and walk out on your family. Whatever... I'm not even going to try to understand that logic. I told her, in my typically blunt self, that it had a lot to do with the kids and the fact that I cannot handle what I was doing. Thankfully, one of the kids beeped in and she left me on hold. I quickly hung up the phone. I decided to call them later that day. They needed to hear it from ME. I told them that I was having a difficult time and I needed a break. I added in something like, your dad & I can't get along right now. Then the oldest one broke my heart. She read me a letter that she wrote me, actually two letters.
*spelling & grammer errors not corrected for dramatic effect* lol
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Letter 1: (the kid gets points for spelling my name right)
Dear Sherah,
I have thought a lot about you since you & dad broke up. I also been crying and praying that you & dad will get back together. I hope you know that I am very sorry for breaking you and dad up. We had so much fun together. And my grades have been going up. Just a few days ago I got not Cs Ds or Fs... I only got As and Bs. I really miss you. I cried so much that I stayed up to 11:30p.m. I wished you were here right now. I love you very much. You might not love me anymore but I love you no matter what! I will always remember you until I die. I can never move on without you. I wish you my stepmom. I really do. I can't do anything without you. I am always thinking about you. Please come back. I need you to be here. I need you. I promise I will be good from now on I swear. I will listen to you. Just please come back I need you so much right now. Please get back together with dad. I know it is all my fault. Please forgive me!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Letter 2:
Dear Sherah,
If you would gladly read this I just want to say I'm very, very, very, very sorry for breaking you and dad up. Please give him another chance. Plus I am sick because I'm going through depression. I also take that medicine. I know you hate us now because you're not with dad anymore. But just let me say that if you really loved dad you would give him another chance. The same with us and our behavior. Dad and us love you. I also know that you hate our behavior. I also agree with you. Now you are probably wondering then why don't you change it. I actually wanted you and dad to get married and you be my stepmother. I enjoyed you being around with me. PLEASE get back together with dad. I promise, promise, promise me and my sister will behave! Please write back! or call.
PS We (I) understand that we have alot more than other kids and people have.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
WOW is right. I have to ask myself. Am I breaking up with Daniel or his kids? You would think from these two works of art that I am breaking up with his kids. Thats the thing with kids... everyone is affected by your decisions.
I wish I could say that I've upheld my desire to be strong. But the truth is that I'm having a hard time letting him go. It's hard to push someone away when they adore you and you adore them back. He would do anything for me and I know it. He even went so far as to pay for my tuition last semester when my car broke down 3 times in one month. That takes a lot for someone to do something like that. Amazingly enough, it seems that our break up has sparked some interest from their mother to be an active part of their life. It's about F'N time LADY! The kids stayed at her house this weekend. They've also upheld their promise to their father to start behaving and being responsible young ladies.
I honestly don't know what the future holds. I'm definitely not planning on jumping right back into a relationship, but I haven't completely thrown out the option of getting back together. I just need my space to think and decide if he's worth the risk to me. I'm keeping my options open and trying not to lead him on to think that there's hope that we will get back together. I've spent some time with friends and just trying to enjoy my space. The funny thing about break ups is that exes seem to crawl out the woodwork. Some of these people, I could care less about but there are others that I have to remind myself why things didn't work out in the first place. I once read, in The Manual, that you should never get back together with exes. I think that theory applies later in life. But when you date people in college and then they come back into your life after you've both graduated, that theory can't apply. People change drastically in college and I'm willing to admit that I am a much different person than I was even a year ago. On a random note, I found out that my ex from high school that I dated for 4 years got engaged & is going to be a dad! I felt a strange mix of emotions. I'm happy for him though. He deserves to be happy because he is truly a great person and I couldn't make him happy. Living in Chalmette next to in-laws, being domestic and having kids just isn't my thing and it never will be. He has had a profound impact on my life in a lot of ways. When I was dating him, I despised the idea of having children. One of the problems was that I hadn't yet dealt with my own family situation. Since dating Daniel, that has changed. I can see myself having children because I've realized that I AM capable of being a good mother, when the time is right. I just had to get over the fact that it wasn't even possible for me to turn out like my mother.
When people meet me, they usually have some kind of complement to the effect of "You're so well-grounded and you know exactly what you want". The truth is... I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WANT! I am just really good at knowing what I don't want for myself and sticking to it. (well...most of the time) And with that, I am heading to bed! Comments welcomed!
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